Saturday, August 15, 2009


Imagine a film that is a cross between Rambo, James Bond, The Thing, Mike Tyson, Bruce Lee, Michael Schumacher, MacGyver and Spiderman, and that also takes itself extremely seriously.

The problem with the Iraq war wasn't that the whole thing was based on shaky foundations or that the conflict started before a second UN resolution. Nor was it to do with funds, bad planning or lack of international cooperation.

You see, if only George W Bush and his team had sent over Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson in the film Taken) instead of the entire US army, the war would have been won within a week tops. And that's without even counting the money that the US government and its allies would have saved.

Because Bryan Mills is, at once, a cross between Rambo, James Bond, The Thing, Mike Tyson, Bruce Lee, Michael Schumacher, MacGyver and Spiderman. Except stronger, better and more agile.

It doesn't matter that there are 20 gangsters armed to their teeth with kalashnikovs, guns and hand grenades surrounding him. He'll kill them all and survive the whole thing without a scratch. It doesn't matter that he's been tied to a metal pole while surrounded by a dozen heavies who are brandishing knives, knuckledusters, chains and more guns. They'll be dust before you can even say the word.

Bryan Mills is indestructible. You can shoot anything at him. In fact, the shadiest, best trained gunmen can have a go. Their bullets won't even brush him.

In Taken, he single-handedly kills an estimated 51 people and injured countless others while completely dismantling (again, single-handedly) Paris' prostitution racket.

Bryan Mills can casually stroll through police stations or private functions. He can catapult himself over yachts and trucks. He also carries medical equipment on him, drips and various medications. As you do. He also has clairvoyant-like powers. In order to understand the dynamics of a crime all he needs to do is stand in the place where it happened. He'll be able to piece it together at the drop of a hat. He can also walk into a flat with people and guess in a moment where guns are hidden.

And so forth, you get the general idea.

is one of the worst films ever released. It rewrites the boundaries of the words 'bullshit' and 'shameless' in one fell swoop. It's an insult to human intelligence.

Everything about it is absolutely ridiculous, unfeasible and naff. As well as badly acted. One of the worst bits was when Liam Neeson (I hope he got paid well for this because he's stooped lower than an underground) exchanges some manly words with some French detective. Neither of them looks at the other. They just stare into space and utter one masculine sentence after the other about how they won't take any shit or similar. Beefcakes.

However, not all is lost. You will like this film, in fact probably really like it, if you're a boy under 12 and you tend to utter sentences like "my dad's car is more powerful than yours" or "my brother is stronger than yours".

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