2011- the predictions

Culture:

After the arrival of the iPod, the iPhone and the iPad, the saturated digital industry will come up with the iPoo, a new device that automatically updates your status on both Facebook and Twitter with a detailed report of your stools each time you go for a dump.

In the meantime, picking up on the trends of 2009 and 2010, conversations amongst friends will be even more centred around and dependent upon a hand-held digital device.

Cheryl Cole will give at least one teary-eyed television interview.

The weather:

Of course, the summer will be lined with hysterical articles about heatwaves, sizzling Britain and the hottest summer since last summer, while next winter it'll all be the coldest year since before Christ and where's-the-bleedin-grit.

The BBC:

2010 panned out with Britain's state TV starring a chief political editor who's a proud Former president of the Oxford University Conservative Association and National Chairman of the Young Conservatives; interviewers mauling anti-government demonstrators (see here); openly homophobic news coverage and taxpayer-funded racist comedies. And still the loonie righties allege that the BBC is a nest of biased "lefties". Like Goebbels once said, "a lie repeated thousands of times becomes a truth". Expect more of the same in 2011.

Expect news coverage to grind to a total halt for the whole of April and May 2011 and feelgood cliches that William and Kate "look lovely together" to reach saturation point.

The Daily Mail:

"Britain's moral guardians" will abort their second attempt at stoking mass hypochondria over the so-called "swine flu". After their unprecedented scaremongering fiasco of 2009 and their more timid recent efforts at the end of 2010, they'll just put the issue aside for a while again, waiting for a new virus to beef up their SCARY headlines.

Jan Moir will write at least one article on the subject of how she's so fed up with this world of celebrities therefore let's be obsessed about them. Needless to say, the contradiction will be lost upon her.

"Reports" bewailing anorexia and "those glossy magazine cover lines screaming at us at this time of year to detox" (see this) will sit right next to those announcing that "January is the prime-time for exchanging weight loss tips" (see this or this).

The Daily Express:

Headlines such as BRAVE PRINCE WILLIAM PLUCKS SPLINTER OUT or HAIRLOSS FIRM WANTS PRINCE WILLIAM AS SPOKESMAN will increase in the wake of the royal wedding, occasionally interspersed with rants about "the bureaucratic grip of the European Union".

The Sun:

EXCLUSIVE stories that Ed Balls, Dave Miliband and Alan Johnson are plotting against Ed Miliband will see the light of day almost as often as pictures of Sun babes.

Puns based on the words "Red" and "Ed" (see this for instance) will plunge new depths. Of course, Murdoch's hired guns will no doubt believe that they're being hilarious.

More articles about the "sexualisation of society" and the "pornification of our kids" (see this or this) will keep sandwiching Page Three. In the meantime, the concepts of "ridicule" and "hypocrisy" will still elude The Sun's newsroom.

Immigration:
Have you noticed how, until May 6 2010, the tabloids kept kicking and screaming as if the whole British landmass was about to sink under the weight of immigration? Then the Tories got in and the burning issue magically turned into a puny footnote. While David Cameron's at the helm, more of the same tame approach is guaranteed.

The Euro:
In line with every year since 2001, Europe's common currency will be declared "soon dead" by Telegraph editorials and Daily Mail headlines on a fortnightly basis.

Politics:
The Right - With news rolling in of hundreds of thousands of workers losing their jobs as the cuts start taking their toll, George Osborne and David Cameron will just put their favourite CD on, press the button that says REPEAT A-B and play "the cuts are fair", "tough decisions to rescue our public finances" and "we didn’t come into politics to make cuts" on a loop. Or perhaps they'll just get Danny Alexander to memorize and recite the poem in front of mummy and daddy.

The Left - In the meantime, the Opposition will offer valuable alternatives in the guise of tons of articles dissecting strategies while dissing and knocking fellow leftist groups. All done, of course, in the "spirit of unity". Oh, and don't forget the regular-as-clockwork rumours that Alan Johnson and Dave Miliband are plotting against Ed.

The LibDems - An opinion poll published in July 2011 will indicate that the party's 57 MPs, their close family and staff at LibDemVoice are the only people left in the country still willing to vote for the Coalition's junior partners.

Football:
Robbie Keane will move to at least three different clubs, including a brief loan spell at another London club that will last no longer than three months.

Aston Villa to face relegation.

Manchester United will net another Premier League, while in Europe the Champions League will be an all-Spanish affair with either Real Madrid or Barcelona FC to win it. Either way, the top football tosser of the year will be Jose Mourinho.