From the ruins of the Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic, archeologists have just retrieved an article written by one of the Daily Express reporters aboard the passenger liner.
It emerged that the article, written by one John Ingham, had been intended to warn readers back home about the futility of all the warnings that, hours before the journey ended, signalled large icebergs on the path ahead.
"Health & safety nut Edward J Smith will spoil our voyage. The captain's just signed a death warrant the size of a 46K ton ocean liner by paying attention to those politically correct killjoys from nearby steamer Amerika warning that large icebergs lie in the Titanic's path and that lifeboats should be deployed.
This is unbelievable. About ten minutes ago one brushed the hull and a few loonie lefties started screaming that we're going to go down. They were howling that a number of compartments is being flooded, but those desperate people are ignoring the continuing debate as to whether said iceberg is to blame.
Plenty of compartments are totally dry, I'm sitting in one now and it's as dry as the Sahara desert, which clearly goes to show the flooded sections are not a result of iceberg action.
Ignoring the massive financial impact of spoiling the voyage of our 329 first class passengers, the Captain is now calling for lifeboats to be launched. And yet the Titanic is showing no outward signs of being in imminent danger, which is why many passengers are reluctant to leave the safety of the ship to board small lifeboats.
As a result most of those lifeboats are going to be launched half empty, a massive waste of taxpayers' money. According to Mr Sinclair, a representative for the (Edwardian) TaxPayers' Alliance on board, achieving the captain's target of launching all lifeboats is simply going to spoil the voyage and cost a lot of money.
Mr Sinclair said: 'It is absolutely incredible that Captain Smith is still pledging ever more extreme and expensive actions on the passengers' behalf. He seems hell bent on ruining our comfy journey just so that after he can boast he 'saved the passengers''.
The captain's action is going to signal a death warrant for partying aboard the Titanic, where people have been enjoying a jolly good time, spending money, dining, singing and dancing. The deployment of all those lifeboats will signify a 25 per cent cut in onboard entertainment, and 42 per cent less posh dinners for all.
Daily Express readers onboard showed their distrust of the captain. 98% of those interviewed by yours truly agreed they are being conned over sinking rumours".