This week's news round-up

This week's news reassessed. By Claude*.

Rejoice. Phil Collins has announced his long overdue retirement. In an interview with the Sunday Times he revealed he's packed in his recording and touring career. Yet his outlook doesn’t look grim. Rumour has it that the guy who inflicted "A Groovy Kind Of Love" and "Another Day In Paradise" upon a generation may be contracted out to write music for the exclusive use of torturers at Guantamo Bay. After a daily diet of Phil Collins blasting down their headphones, prisoners will be more than happy to spill the beans.

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On to another 80s has-been, some of you may remember Limahl from 80s hair band Kajagoogoo. His career may be on the brink of a revival as his hit Never Ending Story stands a good chance of becoming the official soundtrack of the US primary elections. For last Tuesday's Pennsylvania primaries, Hillary Clinton a.k.a. "The Obliterator" needed a 10% victory, no less, to stay on course. And guess what? A 10% margin is exactly what she got. Just enough to drag this Clinton v Obama extravaganza to the bitter end. Meanwhile, from all that rubbing, McCain's hands are on fire.

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Madonna, instead, is all but a has-been. Unfortunately. Because as she's about to release her 11th album, the American singer is amassing a faux pas after the other. First off, her husband Guy Ritchie lambasted the changing face of central London, now hijacked by foreign billionaires, to the point that it's become extremely unaffordable for the "natives". A well placed grievance, except for the bizarre twist that multi-millionaire Mr and Mrs Madonna are also owners of seven properties in Central London. Second, in a special edition of this month's Q magazine's "Cash for Questions", Madonna made a complete arse of herself. Oozing arrogance from all pores, her up-her-own-arse diva attitude would make a comparison between Lou Reed and a docile Labrador quite a sensible one.

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Our weekly update with New Labour's own Waterloo is increasingly looking like a bulletin from The Poseidon Adventure. Remember last week's outcry caused by Gordon Brown's decision to scrap the 10p tax rate? Well, the beleaguered Prime Minister had to back down. Or not. He just promised measures to make up for it, though what and when exactly is far from clear. Conclusion? The message that came across is that the Labour government is now beyond redemption and that there are more chances of Derby County winning the Premier League than Brown the next general elections.

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Imagine you've been knocking yourself out all of your life with a view to a nice retirement. All these years your contract's been saying you're going to expect a £1,000 a-month pension. Now your employers, who are still making a mint each day, in a classic case of goalposts being shifted half way through the match, are saying that they've got to slash your retirement money down to £700 - and don’t you dare moan because you're lucky enough to expect a pension scheme at all. As the word 'unfair' starts creeping into your brain, just ask yourself what you would do. This is why 1,250 workers from Grangeworth Oil Refinery are starting a 2-day strike on Sunday. "Be in no doubt", Dave Moxham of the Scottish Trade Union Congress said, "the Grangemouth workers are striking as a last resort. They are not striking to win a better pensions deal or extract more money from the company, but merely to protect their existing pensions".

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Finally, a big thank you to all Cure fans who responded to our requests. As we've been inundated with Cure stories and anecdotes from all over the world there are all the premises for a fantastic Cure project to coincide with Robert Smith and Co.'s new album. In the meantime, their new single The Only One has been scheduled for release on May the 13th.

*[Johnny Taronja is on holiday. He'll be back next week]