The world according to The Express

It's only since May 1997 that brutal murders began and men turned lazy and wicked and started spending money on sovereign rings and lager.

Once upon a time there was a crime-free country. Its towns and cities were punctuated by estates that were the envy of the world. Pretty and green, with pristine walls and state-of-the-art facilities, those lovely estates would house hard-working young men and women who'd always greet you with a smiling "good morning, sir" and take pride in helping the elderly cross the street. The words 'gangs' and 'crime' were not even in the dictionary. Here was a country where serial killers and brutal assassins were considered 'foreign' words, what else.

Those rare moments of leisure were spent listening to classical music or Cliff Richard, enjoying a game of chess or watching young mothers making a lovely cake for the whole family.

This all came to an abrupt end in May 1997. A gang of horrible social-communists sent over by the wogs of Brussels took over Britain. Their first decision was to place "the irresponsible and feckless at the front of the queue for social housing" as well as "women of low intelligence". Within months, feral creatures started infesting our streets. Cake-making women turned into slappers and got pregnant at every turn. Encouraged by the socialists' lavish handouts, men became lazy and wicked and spent money on sovereign rings and lager. They started forming gangs and killing children. For the first time ever, crime appeared in our towns. Graffiti began to smear those formerly pristine council estates. Soon, "the welfare-dependent criminal underclass [started to] rule the roost".

This is the world as seen by the Daily Express and its columnist Patrick O'Flynn. Even the tragic murder of Rhys Jones, perpetrated by a total scumbag, turns into udders to be cynically milked for cheap political pointscoring.

'MURDERS WILL KEEP HAPPENING IF WE KEEP BANKROLLING THE UNDERCLASS', wrote O'Flynn yesterday, while today, an editorial in the Express shouts that 'SOCIAL HOUSING POLICY IS TO BLAME FOR THIS GANG PLAGUE', adding that this is all "a product of a social experiment that continues to fail disastrously".