Many people think SUVs are a bad idea. See if you change your mind after reading this conversation with Mike Rotch, proud owner of a massive fuckoff SUV.
Mr Rotch, why are so many people hostile to 4x4s?
Because they're envious. All those miserable gets working all their life to drive a rickety four wheeler. I laugh when I see a grown-up bloke at the wheel of a Ford Fiesta. What sort of man are you? They see my big car and they seethe with envy. And I actually quite like it.
OK. But surely you will agree that there's a pro-environment argument against SUVs...?
Get a life! All the stuff going on in the world, new airports being built, and those tree-huggers keep picking on us. First off, global warming hasn't been proved - and that's not me saying it but former US President George W Bush. It was fucking freezing all winter! Secondly, you're not seriously suggesting a handful of bigger cars is going to bring about the apocalypse, are you? Anyway, even if the climate warms, that means our planet is more lush and rich with vegetation.
Another issue is safety. Many 4x4s don so-called 'bullbars'. Consultation papers published by the UK Government confirm that bullbars mean higher chances of casualties.
Fuck'em. That's what I say. It's the nanny state, isn't it? The government is obsessed with lawsuits and negligence. They wanna crush our natural spirit of adventure. I say, if you can afford a big bullbar, then go ahead. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing that look of fear in other drivers' eyes when you overtake them. I tell you one thing, they steer well clear. They just know that crushing into my big SUV is like a kick in the nuts for them. It's survival of the fittest, isn't it?
You're saying you wouldn't care if somebody ended up crippled after crashing into your big car?
Mate, nothing's black and white here. The fact is, I'm far less likely to get in an accident driving my Jeep, since I have 4WD and I know how to use it. Modern SUVs like the Explorer come with optional electronic brake assist, with standard ABS, and with optional traction control.
That may be so. But if you do have a car crash, because a bullbar tends to be stiff and unyielding, the other vehicle will have to absorb more crash energy and the risk of injury to its occupants will be higher. And in head on collisions, a 4x4 is more likely to ride over the lower car...
Then they should get themselves a bullbar too. Or a stronger, bigger car. I wouldn't stop them. Whereas the leftist green tree-hugging lobby would. Now who's putting people at risk?
But bullbars are also more hazardous to pedestrians...
Then they should get out of the bleedin' way? Don't you ever see those pricks crossing the road where they shouldn't? Sorry, mate, you cross the road when it's red then don't run crying to mummy that it was my bullbar.
So why do you drive a 2.5 ton SUV? You live in Central London, don't you?
It's got a lot of space. And I worked hard for it, didn't I? You don't have a go at people in Kensington who can afford it and buy nice expensive clothes, do you? So why can't I do that with my SUV?
But Mr Rotch, this has nothing to do with money...
Yeah, pull the other one. Class envy is what this is about. But I'll tell you one thing: I'll continue to take my children to school in a safe vehicle.