Badly acted. Imbecilic. Self-indulgent, unfunny or oozing cheese. After the scariest ever, the best in social observation and the funniest films, it's time for a tour of piss poor cinema.
Mulholland Drive (2002)
Directed by David Lynch. With Naomi Watts, Laura Harring.
The slowest motion in human history. A flurry of inconsequential subplots. Characters that make no sense. Dancing dwarves popping out of nowhere. People who wake up in a theatre where unknown people speak three languages but you don't quite understand why. By the end of it you feel a) pissed off for having wasted two hours of your life and b) thick for not grasping whatever underlying meaning this film may harbour. David Lynch, however, would probably take all this as a big compliment. Predictability rate: 0/10 - You just won't have a clue throughout the whole film
Goldfish Memory (2003)
Directed by Elizabeth Gill. With Sean Campion. Absolutely ridiculous. My rubbish bin would act better, except that there's nothing to act, aside from a lame story based on a series of 10-minute long relationships and dollops of gratuitous lesbianism. This film will give you severe migranes. Predictability rate: 6/10 - Little to predict, in the sense that it staggers on the road to nowhere
Things To Do Before You're Thirty (2004)
Directed by Simon Shore. With Billie Piper, Jimi Mistry.
Abhorrent and insipid 'coming of age' comedy about a group of vulgar 'saturday football' geezers and irritating posh studenty types, who after compiling a list of things to do before the big 3-0 strikes, try and accomplish them. Cue threesomes, tons of sexist references, predictable football dialogue and other hammy triteness. Warning: Contains Billie Piper. Predictability rate: 10/10 - Obvious
Directed by Elizabeth Gill. With Sean Campion. Absolutely ridiculous. My rubbish bin would act better, except that there's nothing to act, aside from a lame story based on a series of 10-minute long relationships and dollops of gratuitous lesbianism. This film will give you severe migranes. Predictability rate: 6/10 - Little to predict, in the sense that it staggers on the road to nowhere
Things To Do Before You're Thirty (2004)
Directed by Simon Shore. With Billie Piper, Jimi Mistry.
Abhorrent and insipid 'coming of age' comedy about a group of vulgar 'saturday football' geezers and irritating posh studenty types, who after compiling a list of things to do before the big 3-0 strikes, try and accomplish them. Cue threesomes, tons of sexist references, predictable football dialogue and other hammy triteness. Warning: Contains Billie Piper. Predictability rate: 10/10 - Obvious
Just Married (2003)Directed by Shawn Levy. With Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy
A colossal flop on release, it's written and designed for people with the attention span of a quail. The gags are not funny at all, the story is extremely predictable and the two main characters are so irritating you just hope for their Venice gondola to sink without trace. Predictability rate: 10/10 - It makes you feel like Nostradamus
Prime (2005)
Directed by Ben Younger. With Uma Thurman, Meryl Streep.
Industrial quantities of bollocks and not a hint of irony. Aside from the diabolical acting (except for Streep), unnecessary Jewish references are dropped every ten seconds. The plot has some potential (a 37-year-old woman falls in love with a 23-year-old-guy without knowing he's her psychologist's son), but the story unravels without any contrast or pace. Predictability rate: 9/10 - Monodimensional
Dude Where's My Car (2000)
Directed by Danny Leiner. With Ashton Kutcher, Sean William Scott
Lowest common denominator? Braindead? Aimed at spotty irritating 12-year-old boys? No, the best description of this masterpiece is borrowed from an online review on Rotten Tomatoes: "Don't bring a date - they'll dump you straight afterwards". Predictability rate: n/a - Nothing to predict
Armageddon (1998)
Directed by Michael Bay. With Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler Look up the word "predictable" in the dictionary and Armageddon is what you get. Just in case you didn't know: whether it's a meteor or the Aye-rakis, brave Americans (especially if led by SuperBruceWillis) were put on this planet to save us all, that's their mission. And women like Liv Tyler were meant to wait at home. And have that dinner on the table for when I'm back, you bitch. Predictability rate: 10/10 - Fulfilling every cliche in the book
FEAR.com (2002)
Directed by William Malone. With Stephen Dorff.
The tagline goes: "Want to see a really killer website? It's the last site you'll ever see". And if you're lucky you'll never see this shit film again either. Predictability rate: n/a - Impossible to watch til the end
Turbulence Three (2001)
Directed by Jorge Montesi. With Monica Schnarre
This GCSE-like project is about some satanist terrorists hijacking an airplane that is broadcasting a metal concert live on the Internet. Hammed up to fuck, it's basically a cheap excuse to parade generous cleavages. Predictability rate: 2/10 - In fairness, there is a twist
The Next Best Thing (2000)
Directed by John Schlesinger. With Madonna and Rupert Everett
If you were still in doubt about Madonna's acting skills then this is a must, as it handed the superstar a Razzie award for worst actress- and rightly so. Two best friends—one a straight woman, Abbie (Madonna), the other a gay man, Robert (Everett)— accidentally have a child together. That's it really. Unless you count endless cliches i.e. people slipping over banana skins and the likes. It may hold the record for highest number of people leaving the cinema before the end. Predictability rate: 10/10 - We predict you'll find it unbearable
Directed by Ben Younger. With Uma Thurman, Meryl Streep.
Industrial quantities of bollocks and not a hint of irony. Aside from the diabolical acting (except for Streep), unnecessary Jewish references are dropped every ten seconds. The plot has some potential (a 37-year-old woman falls in love with a 23-year-old-guy without knowing he's her psychologist's son), but the story unravels without any contrast or pace. Predictability rate: 9/10 - Monodimensional
Dude Where's My Car (2000)
Directed by Danny Leiner. With Ashton Kutcher, Sean William Scott
Lowest common denominator? Braindead? Aimed at spotty irritating 12-year-old boys? No, the best description of this masterpiece is borrowed from an online review on Rotten Tomatoes: "Don't bring a date - they'll dump you straight afterwards". Predictability rate: n/a - Nothing to predict
Armageddon (1998)Directed by Michael Bay. With Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler Look up the word "predictable" in the dictionary and Armageddon is what you get. Just in case you didn't know: whether it's a meteor or the Aye-rakis, brave Americans (especially if led by SuperBruceWillis) were put on this planet to save us all, that's their mission. And women like Liv Tyler were meant to wait at home. And have that dinner on the table for when I'm back, you bitch. Predictability rate: 10/10 - Fulfilling every cliche in the book
FEAR.com (2002)
Directed by William Malone. With Stephen Dorff.
The tagline goes: "Want to see a really killer website? It's the last site you'll ever see". And if you're lucky you'll never see this shit film again either. Predictability rate: n/a - Impossible to watch til the end
Turbulence Three (2001)Directed by Jorge Montesi. With Monica Schnarre
This GCSE-like project is about some satanist terrorists hijacking an airplane that is broadcasting a metal concert live on the Internet. Hammed up to fuck, it's basically a cheap excuse to parade generous cleavages. Predictability rate: 2/10 - In fairness, there is a twist
The Next Best Thing (2000)
Directed by John Schlesinger. With Madonna and Rupert Everett
If you were still in doubt about Madonna's acting skills then this is a must, as it handed the superstar a Razzie award for worst actress- and rightly so. Two best friends—one a straight woman, Abbie (Madonna), the other a gay man, Robert (Everett)— accidentally have a child together. That's it really. Unless you count endless cliches i.e. people slipping over banana skins and the likes. It may hold the record for highest number of people leaving the cinema before the end. Predictability rate: 10/10 - We predict you'll find it unbearable
5 comments:
Woo I thought I was the only one who hated Mulholland Drive. Lynch loves his dancing dwarves!
Exactly, Lizz.
The acting is great, the music too, and the images/scene certainly endearing, but it's such a frustratingly shitty script...!
Never did the word 'arty' sound more appropriate.
I found Mulholland Drive very good instead. It made me look forward to the next bit with anticipation and also there's nothing wrong with a film where they don't lay out every bit right in front of you.
True, but it is one thing not laying out every bit...but not laying out ANY bit?!
It left me completely confused! I'm of the opinion that films should not only be enjoyable but also make you use your brain, however there is a limit for God sake!
Mulholland Drive gives you a headache.
More like brain straining.
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